Camino Reflections Part I: Gratitude

Riding the airport bus from Winchester to Heathrow with a lump in my throat, I'm trying to sort my many emotions. Affirming, positive, and complicated.

Uppermost is gratitude.

I'm grateful for all the lessons that this Camino has taught me about patience, resilience and forgiveness. Especially self-forgiveness.

Walking allows me to let my thoughts and emotions move through and past me like weather. During hours, days, weeks of steady-on movement, I can almost see my thoughts in 3D, notice their patterns. And see which are mine, which are not.

I have spent a lot of my energy over time feeling guilty for not being what the dominant culture expected me to be. Not thin, not submissive, not dependent, not quiet, not competitively goal-oriented, not "interesting" or "successful." And not grateful. That one is especially hard to bear.

Much of the baggage that I began my journey with, I see now, isn't mine at all. Some I've been given, some I've shouldered on behalf of others. (We do that when we love.) Seeing this pattern has allowed me to forgive myself for not being what others expect me to be, for them. And to let go of the silted emotions that resulted when I didn't accept myself for what I am.

I am lighter now, more myself. And I hope that I can now can be more sincerely present for those I love because I am not carrying as much of the stuff that gets in the way.

And so, gratitude. I am grateful for the baggage. If I hadn't carried it, I wouldn't feel the burden lift.

I am deeply grateful for the teachers of this lesson.

To the Camino itself, that pushed me out of set expectations and goals, into uncertainty and self-examination.

To Linda and Kate, who showed me the Way.

To Marise, for walking me through the early days of the physical and emotional journey.

To Emma, for loving refuge and hours of soul-baring conversation. And Colin, for his graciousness, wine refills and great taste in fiction.

To Angela, who gave me the missing piece I needed to move on.

To Kristin, who has seen me through the worst of times, cheered me on, and firmly told me when I needed to stop chasing the goal and pay attention to the path that had opened before me.

To Heidi, for being another rock of love and good sense, and for connecting me to such lovely company in Winchester.

For James in Winchester and Henrietta in Madrid, for their gifts of time and hospitality to this strange pilgrim.

To Malinka and Lucy for their company on my English Camino.

To Nick, for keeping the house and dogs in good order and being his sweet, supportive self.

To Nate, for checking in and cheering me on exactly when I needed it.

To my parents, for their vigilant blog-following, support and commentary.

To my friends who follow this blog, your comments, texts, and encouragement.

To every person who wished me Buen Camino, in any language.

And to all the pilgrims who walked this path before and with me, in search of connection to that which is greater than us.

All of you have etched yourselves into this pilgrimage.

Buen Camino indeed.